15 September 2015

Welcome Back

This movie has now ensured that I can no longer get the 'No Regrets' tattoo across my back.


I feel little to no shame in declaring that I saw Welcome. I feel more shame in saying that I saw it more than once.
But I thought that that part of my life was over. Unfortunately as soon as I came home, my parents insisted that we watch a movie as per family bonding rules and the only option was Welcome Back.
My only fault is that I can't explain the story of this movie for the life of me. Not because I wasn't paying attention, or because I was feigning sleep under the guise of jet lag, but because it is as convoluted as possible.
I shall still try, though.
So, Nana Patekar and Anil Kapoor are both attempting to reform their gunda ways and leading good albeit extravagant lives. As showcased by the fact that they apparently own their own massive hotel in Dubai.
They then meet a girl named Chandini, who is a princess with Dimple Kapadia as a mother. They both fall head over guns in love with Chandini. Because who doesn't love skinny girls who refuse to wear weather appropriate clothes?
But plot twist! Chandini and Dimple are con artists who are faking their royal status to get money out of Nana and Anil.
I do see some merit in this plan, 'Hello, I wear teeny clothes and lure you into my woman cave. Can I has some moneez, please?'
Both men, who by the way look older than her father then want to marry her, but seeing as Chandini is barely legal and oh, is lying to them, pretends that she will only get married when Nana's sister gets married.
What sister, you say? So it turns out that Nana Patekar has yet another half-sister, Shruti Hassan who looks absolutely nothing like him and requires him to marry her off to a good guy. Now why does that sound familiar?

If it worked once before, why shouldn't we try the same story all over again, right?

But the reformed gunda's want a good non-gunda to marry their slightly related sister. Where to find this?
Cut to: Paresh Rawal attempting to kill his wife because she got knocked up and had a kid before they were married and hiding it from her husband. To be fair, if she knew he was going to react like that, then she was wise to hide it. She somehow feeds him this bullshit story of how Paresh gets a ready made son where he has had none before and he should be happy. And happy he is, until he is informed by Nana and Anil that the new found son has to marry their sister. 
The son is John Abraham who can show off his 8 pack all he wants, but that isn't going to distract us from his truly terrible acting. 


Add to the terrible acting, a wardrobe which looks as though it has been solely pilfered from a clowns closet, John is doing a shameless job of dressing. 
John is btw, also a gunda. But while Paresh might forgive that, he can't forgive Anil and Nana for not being as reformed as they claim to be. 
He sets up a hilariously inane plan to stop the wedding, while back in India, John and Shruti meet in dubious circumstances, and fall in love and then proceed to do the oddest dance in the history of Bollywood. 


After this point, I well and truly got confused in following the plot lines of the story. The movie is not funny, it isn't anything really.
I sort of watched it expressionlessly. Other than the parts where Nana and Anil attempted to romance with the child actress. Dude, like seriously, she is younger than your daughter is. #MiniVomit
There is a LOT of velour/velvet in this movie. Which is makes me think that all gundas in Asia must be garbed solely in velvet. 
Not to mention that Shruti Hassan attempts throughout to show John to be something he isn't. Am I wrong or is that the complete opposite of unconditional love?
Kindly sit at home instead of watching this abomination that we have to fall a movie. 

The Good: Shruti Hassan refuses to bother with this whole malarkey of acting. Instead she simply saves us from having to deal with that by narrating the script.
The Bad: I paid money to watch this film. 
The Tip: Shruti has shown me that you can wear completely jet black hair extensions under honey-ish colored hair. 
The Oddity: There is a very long scene set in the hotel lobby and while the scene is wrought with emotions but all I could focus on was the fact that the lobby was CGI'd. Why? I honestly cannot say. 

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