27 January 2016

Dilwale

I know, I'm late on this, but a big part, almost all of my brain begged me not to see this movie.

You know, how some movies are crap? Yeah, this isn't one of them, ITS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO CINEMA AND MY EYES.
Oh, sorry. I sat on my caps lock key. No where was I? Oh, yes!
 IT IS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO CINEMA AND MY EYES. 


It burns us. 
There is no story. I am not saying this as the pretentious movie watcher. But as a human being with eyes and a brain. There is NO story. They literally thow in Kajol and SRK looking at each other with super emotional eyes, and saying heavy dialogue that mean nothing to anyone.

They are also both children of crime lords in some made up country that looks like Italy and Croatia. They do say the name, but we all know that its either a lie, or just an excuse for the actors to spend a nice vacay there and even get paid for it.  How have Indians become the crime lords in a European nation, is a fun question that Rohit Shetty needs to answer.
Anywho, they used to be in love and thanks to some unfortunate confusion are in love but form afar now. 
They also have siblings who know nothing about their crime lifestyle. Which leads me to question the siblings mental acuity. To be fair, their face does already point to the lack of mental acuity and it's a pity because if Kriti Sanon wasn't as shallow as she seems she might even be fun. Did I spell her name right? Ehhn, she's not famous enough for it to be a bother. 
Anywho, in the whole vast land filled with like what seems like the entire population of Mumbai, the siblings manage to find and fall in love with each other. 
And then of course, that is a big issue for their parent/sibling who are also in love with each other.
So the rest of the movie is pent with heated looks, fancy cars ,songs and general mind-numbing stupidity that I have come to expect form SRK and his endeavours to remain relevant and youthful.
Also, call me picky but in what universe does the same set of parents have only two children over 20 years apart?
Accident or not, biology calls bullshit on that.
Unless its a child bride thing, in which case so much more shame on you Rohit Shetty. 
Lets talk about Kajol and SRK, their chemistry is and always has been great. To the point that my cousin cried actual tears when she realised they both are married to other people.
So, here is my grand conspiracy theory right? They ain't actually married to Ajay and Gauri. Them be the beards. They instead lou each other, and how they show it is by being cute on screen.
*boom goes the dynamite and your brain*
Now I am back to speaking normally, all I can say is please save yourself and run. Far away from this sad spectacle of humankind. 
And please DO NOT judge all Indians based on this.

The Good: I really hope that Kajol does actual movies and not this epic waste of time and space
The Bad: I think my brain is bleeding out my ears

Wazir

I genuinely was excited for this movie to come out. Look at it, logically. Amitabh Bachchan might have terrible genes, but he sure as hell is a good actor. And Farhan may finally be coming to his senses and breaking up with his cuckoo wife now, but again, good actor. He must had to be, what when every single time Adhuna asked, "How does my hair look?"


Wazir is about a emotionally questionable police officer, Farhan who in a high speed chase with some goons loses his daughter to the guns. Who knew that Bring your Daughter To Work day could back fire like that?
Because of his insanity, Farhaan's wife leaves him to rot in his own filth and stereotypical emo music videos from back in the day. He meets his dead daughters chess teacher. Don't ask me how, it just kinda happens and we are meant to roll with that. Chess teacher, Amitabh is full of some old vengeance which is uses to push his agenda on poor unsuspecting Farhaan who seems to have lost his family along with you know, general common sense.
Amitabh keeps egging on Farhaan and feeds him some type of cockamaime story about some Neta in some place who is some how responsible for all the bad that has happened in their lives. And not you, just take the blame themselves, since *whispering* it was their fault.

Farhaan laps up the evidence-less story as though it was his only way to sustain himself and decides to exact revenge.
Lets point out yet again at this point that there is ZERO proof that the Neta in question is anything but a slime ball Neta. You know the regular kind you see on TV, who hug foreigners for inappropriate lengths. Sound familiar?
Anywho, while Farhan plans for his mad-man revenge, he is also seemingly stalked by a strange man who calls himself Wazir. He also places a bomb in Farhaans car. WHICH MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO KILL A GOOD FOR NOTHING POLICEMAN?
Most annoying, indeed.

Anywho, Farhan gets perturbed by the whole being stalked thing and becomes even crazier. If possible.

He is almost through with his pan, when hold up! Amitabh dies? And says something along the lines of the fact that he was the Wazir all along, because he was stalking his buddy to make sure that buddy does go cray-cray?
This movie is weird as all hell. And makes less sense than watching The Manchurian Candidate.
The entire movie is filmed in a blue tint which does nothing more than make you feel as through you are watching the movie wearing a pair of sunglasses. The dialogue is stilted and filled with so many chess related puns. I was never a chess fan, still am not. I appreciate th game and the bit in Harry Potter with the giant Chess is nice and all, but thats my extent. A whole two and a half hours of chess puns? No.

It led me to believe that a bunch of guys came up with a couple of chess puns and figured that the best way to get some appreciation was to make a crappy movie and fill it with the puns.
I'm honestly not really sure what the moral of the story is. Maybe to not take your kid along to a dangerous situation where one might, I dunno, die? Dont marry a man who might do such a silly thing? Always think your friends are stalking you?

I dunno, and I'm fairly sure that the director didn't know either.

The Good: A good duo to work together. Of course you can never trust them again, but still
The Bad: The interviews keep spelling Farhaan/Farhan Akhtar's name in all sorts of ways and I'm giving homage to that.
Lets distract with dance, shall we?

10 January 2016

Sisters

I like the rest of the English speaking, actually even the non-English speaking population, am desperately in love with Tina Fey.
Like that time she came back to SNL and redid her epic Sarah Palin.

Or when she spoke for all of us when she was Liz.

And of course, that moment in time when she decided to make Mean Girls.


Amy Poehler is certainly not far behind. (Maybe just a little behind) With her awesome burns on Weekend Update.

Her optimism as Leslie Knope.

And of course, her in Mean Girls, paving the way for pageant moms everywhere.


So when these two get together I get excited as all hell. Because they are awesome separately but together they must be even better.

Sisters was the answer to our prayers. Amy and Tina plays the titular characters, with Tina playing the older, mess of sister, who is an out of work beautician while attempting to raise her teenage daughter single-handedly. Meanwhile, Amy is the younger, stable and so boring, it hurts my eyes sister. She actually pretty much plays Leslie Knope all over again. Which for Parks and Rec enthusiasts is good news.

The sisters go back to their childhood home to clear out their stuff because their parents are selling their home. They spend a night reading passages from their childhood diaries, where it becomes glaringly obvious that Tina had all the fun while Amy sat at home watching her nails grow. In an attempt to turn things around, the Ellis sisters hold a Ellis Island reunion party, so that Amy can have her night.
 Amy bribes Tina with a loan to start her life in Orlando, in order to let down her hair and not be the party mom. The party is in half swing, when The Lesbians show up and offer to play some tunes. Cut to jokes about Sarah McLaughlin mashups, but lo, and behold, these lesbians know how to party. Cue John Cena strolling in like sex on a stick and holding a suitcase full of drugs.
Party gets notched up a level. Menawhile Tina finds out that her teenage daughter who had been away mysteriously the whole summer is in Orlando and the Ellis parents are planning on handing over half of the houses sale to Tina to further help her. At which point there is like a galleon of paint in the pool and hundreds of people smashing through the place. Tina freaks and tries to shut things down, while Amy tries to get it on with neighbour boy, a first after her divorce two years ago. Which also fails. Tina and Amy have a muddy smack down, while half the house collapses and the pool dies in a sink-hole.

And in a turn that ONE ONE CAN SEE COMING, they both turn things around for themselves. And in the 4 month flash forward you can see them happy in their lives.

The movie, is a rip off of every 80's and 90's party movie and while watching all I could think of was, "Can't Hardly Wait".

There is literally nothing spectacular, or exceptionally hilarious about this movie other than the fact that you can see Tina and Amy swear a whole bunch, which I haven't seen before. But honestly, it was kinda like watching your mum swear. Weird and unnecessary. The story is predictable and while it is cute, it doesn't warrant another watch. It was rather disappointing to watch two people who are as clever and creative as these two flunk out.

The Good: The Dream Team unites for a movie!



The Bad: It hurt to watch them be ordinary.


The Final Girls



If I had to describe the movie in one word, it would be: Fantastic.
In three words: Fan-flipping-tastic.


The movie is described as horror/slasher comedy and dear lord, isn't that a mouthful? Lets just call it a clever movie with a lot of blood splatter.
Say hi to Max, a poor little orphan girl. How could they miss this opportunity to call her Annie, is beyond me. Max was raised by her single mother who is a washed out actress. Hold on a sec, she did do a cheesy and terrible slasher movie in the 80's called Camp Bloodbath. But she has had less success from then on. And in a freak accident she dies, leaving Max to wander the earth alone with her big doe eyes.
Fast forward 3 years, and Max is invited to watch Camp Bloodbath with some friends, on the anniversary of her mothers death. Call me a romantic, but that does seem like a nice way to commemorate the day.
Friends and Max watch the movie, when freak accident number 2 occurs and the theatre curtains are set on fire. Clearly, these cinema halls in the US, are not as certified as India's DT Cinemas, who show the exact style with which you must run out the hall.
                               
Max attempts to be the hero and save everyone, by cutting the screen? Yeah, even I didn't really get that one.
And boom, Max and Friends are in the movie.
Not a lot of people remember the Tobey Maguire and Reese Without-her-spoon's movie Pleasantville. Mostly because it is terrible. And also failed in the box office.
But I absolutely loved the film. It was cute and wonderful to watch 2 teens from the 20th/21st century attempt to fit in and eventually change a city set in the 50's. And The Final Girls echoes the same theme.

Down to a scene where one of the campgirls from the 80's finds it hilarious that an iPhone is an actual phone since it isn't connected to anything.
Max and friends realise that the only way they can get out of this slasher film is to see the credits roll. And follow the story, where bad-ass Paula kills the evil guy. But since people just like to mess with the time space continuum, the teens tell the campers the truth. Well, other than the fact that Max's dead mother is one of the campers.

Cue the Home Alone inspired montage of the teens and campers attempting to trap and kill Evil Guy.Which fails, spectacularly. Mostly because the film is only halfway done and what would the writers with all that time but have the main characters running from Evil Gut in low lighting and forested regions.

The rule of the movie is that if you have sex, you get killed. Which is the best abstinence pledge I have ever seen. So every time someone gets near taking their clothes off or if you can see a girls bra, eerie music plays and Evil Guy arrives with Machete.

Such a stereotype.
Anywho, The movie is cleverly made, unique in its genre and engaging. The dialogues leave a lot to be desired but then again it's a slasher film. We pay for the gore, not the writing. It's breaks the fourth wall in a way that I enjoy. And oh god, it is just so very creative. Please watch the film. I promise you will like it.

The Good: "Gay people only go to discos and have sex with each other. Actually that sounds like a great lifestyle"
                              
The Bad: It doesn't give you closure. Which a girl like me needs. Desperately. 

8 January 2016

Sherlock: The Abominable Bride



Now, let's all be honest. I'm a big fan of the Sherlock series. Somehow not of the books. But the movies, and the mini-series? I could watch them on repeat.
I think something about the arrogant, clever and blunt to the point of rudeness character seems to resonate with me. I wonder why.

Say hello to Sherlock and Watson set in the actual time of the books, 19th century. Their life and cases are pretty much exactly the same as they are in the modern day, with the lack of technology and pretty much the same clothes.
Sherlock is approached for a case regarding the ghost of a woman who returns to life to kill her husband. Now I don't know about you, but if I was ever dying and coming back to life, I will certainly not be wasting any of my time on killing people. Probably be scaling the walls to Hugh Jackman's house to tell him how much I adore him.
Sherlock is arguably disinterred in the case, but due to the bothersome Watson he takes it on.
 And pretty much leads us to watch a compressed version of the Woman In Black. Except the woman in question is wearing white. But that is just semantics.

The rather annoying thing that the episode did was jump through time and space and different scenarios in Sherlock's mind palace rapidly and without consequence and often inexplicably and irritatingly without explanations. I am a girl who loves her some closure. And this episode seems to not want to give me that.

A lot of what the show seems to circle around is the fact that Moriarty is back, where we left off in the last season and Sherlock attempting to wrap his mind around it and attempting to make sense of things.
Because understandably, if you see a man die and then find out he has somehow managed to survive and has a vendetta against you, you might have some nightmares too.

But the episode was so unnecessary. No one would be surprised if Sherlock had a breakdown. We don't need an hour and a half of our lives spent in the mind palace of Sherlock which also doesn't answer any questions. For shame.
Also, can we just take a moment and realise that explaining how the dead wife killed her husband hurt my brain.
I am a smart person. Part of Mensa, does trivia questions for fun kind, thinks its important to know how to shock a heart kinda person. And if I found it to be confusing and not in an I-wanna-understand way but more like in an switch-this-off kinda way then, I'm sorry but the producers have failed us all.
 
They also pissed off a whole lotta feminists.  And it's disappointing on a whole other level.
The filming as always was beyond beautiful, but sadly, the score couldn't keep up. Actually, after the first season I've found the score to be rather lacking.

The Good: Mark Gatiss in a fat suit is adorable. 
The Bad: Please, BBC Wales, ignore everything I've said and take me on as an intern again. I won't even complain about the cold this time round. Maybe.